Swimming

We had a couple really warm days this last week :) So we went to the store and bought a cheap pool and have been doing a lot of swimming <3

 my lil man and his sissy

kisses for mommy

lil miss didn't want to get off my lap

layed out and got some sun and read a good book

It's sadly back to the springy sort of rainy days that comes sometimes, pool is covered and the kids and I will have to wait to go back out again. :P

Gomenasai!

Life has been so hectic lately I haven't had time to come sign in and update.

Life now is changing so quickly... the man is in school to get his CDL so that means he's going to be getting a new much better paying job so we will no longer stress over bills.  You can't imagine the relief that will give me to not worry paycheck to paycheck how we're going to afford life expenses.  On the other hand... I dread the idea of not seeing him, having him here to help me.  I freely admit my depression and mental disorders have gained the upper hand in my life atm so I'm busy applying for some assistance to see about getting back into therapy/on meds again.  I'm a bit down that it's come to this again... but I know I deserve to be healthy & happy, my children deserve to be happy.

Been doing a lot of walking down by the river in our town, a 6 or 8 mile trek everytime... it's been beautiful getting to be so close to nature and the Goddess again. 

A lot of reading... in the middle of reading:

1. Impulse 
2. Red Dragon
3. Wintergirls
4. Gothic Hollywood

Started doing some painting again :)

My painting I did for Beltane :)

The Goddess Eostre I painted for my Ostara altar

I will try and keep this updated more :) until then blessed be

oh wow!! here I am

things have been extremely hectic lately... where do I even begin...

in order for for my family to afford Yule time gifts we cut off a lot of the extra's, TV, web that sort of thing.  I about lost my mind going without the net for that long but we managed.  Thankfully here I am, back again in my own little world. :)

My family did have a wonderful holiday together, kids were spoiled as always.

I'll add some pictures real quick and when I get a more open moment I'll really sit in and go into detail about the 2 or so months I've been away.  I promise.

 

moving

discovered the reason behind my sudden decline and am making steps toward healing.  This is going to be hard, but I know its for the best.

impase

I've reached a point the last couple days, my depression I have felt has been creeping back up on me more then usual and I'll be honest and say I have relapsed with my cutting a couple times.   A couple things have happened that I cannot go into much detail about on here but it's enough to change me.  I'm not sure where to go from here, I feel lost and foggy, heartbroken and straining to stay steady on rough waters.  I even have told myself to grow up, act like an adult, think of your children but here I am once again looking into the mirror and hating myself, loathing the pain that I see in my eyes.  I know a lot of it is the ongoing battle of mental disorder, I knew that I couldn't escape it forever... I'm used to some bad times from the previous relapses but this.. THIS is just ridiculous.  I listen to love songs and cry, feeling alone in a house full of people yearning for a single hug or kiss, someone to say "It's ok, everyone makes mistakes.  You'll be ok:"  I know I need to take a mental day and just recuperate before I get to the spot where I tell myself it's just ok to be back in my dark spot, to turn Vile and dark. I cannot do that to my children, I know they don't deserve it.  But at the same time I look around and wonder if anyone even cares? I just wanna scream does anyone see me? Do you know who I really am? Do I even know who I really am, or have I just been putting up a facade for my life? These questions are ripping me apart.  What would I give for a walk through the woods communicating with my dryads, or to return to the kelpie pond in the beck and remember his voice, to go to the ocean and lay in the salty water cleansing me... but I am trapped in a house with chaos surrounding me and the feeling that I have no one who truly cares anymore... I have come to this point knowing full well what is to be expected, so I have to make a choice and I know the choice I truly desire is peace.  Freedom from my reoccurring demons..

sorry

I'm sorry I haven't been posting as much as I should, I had some serious personal issues come up and they took up much of my time.  right now things are at a better place so I thought I would write up a quick post.  

My babies and I carved their pumpkins today, was a lot of fun.  Did a Spongebob one for my son and a kitty for my daughter (she seemed pretty scared of them actually and wanted nothing to do with it).  We plan on going out to trick or treat on the 30th here in our city, hope the weather is nice so we don't have to layer to much I always hated that, ruined the point of a costume when you had to wear a coat! Would appreciate some good thoughts if you can spare some, my family and I needs it.  Thank you!

I'll leave you now with some pictures from today of the little ones and I. :)

The Burning Times

I am watching a wonderful documentary on youtube right now called "The Burning Times" telling the story of the witch-hunts that swept across Europe just a few hundred years ago.  I recommend everyone who had time take a break to watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqRir6a3VHk

this is the link to part one.

Enjoy!