impase

I've reached a point the last couple days, my depression I have felt has been creeping back up on me more then usual and I'll be honest and say I have relapsed with my cutting a couple times.   A couple things have happened that I cannot go into much detail about on here but it's enough to change me.  I'm not sure where to go from here, I feel lost and foggy, heartbroken and straining to stay steady on rough waters.  I even have told myself to grow up, act like an adult, think of your children but here I am once again looking into the mirror and hating myself, loathing the pain that I see in my eyes.  I know a lot of it is the ongoing battle of mental disorder, I knew that I couldn't escape it forever... I'm used to some bad times from the previous relapses but this.. THIS is just ridiculous.  I listen to love songs and cry, feeling alone in a house full of people yearning for a single hug or kiss, someone to say "It's ok, everyone makes mistakes.  You'll be ok:"  I know I need to take a mental day and just recuperate before I get to the spot where I tell myself it's just ok to be back in my dark spot, to turn Vile and dark. I cannot do that to my children, I know they don't deserve it.  But at the same time I look around and wonder if anyone even cares? I just wanna scream does anyone see me? Do you know who I really am? Do I even know who I really am, or have I just been putting up a facade for my life? These questions are ripping me apart.  What would I give for a walk through the woods communicating with my dryads, or to return to the kelpie pond in the beck and remember his voice, to go to the ocean and lay in the salty water cleansing me... but I am trapped in a house with chaos surrounding me and the feeling that I have no one who truly cares anymore... I have come to this point knowing full well what is to be expected, so I have to make a choice and I know the choice I truly desire is peace.  Freedom from my reoccurring demons..

Betrayel is never fun

I needed to vent a little bit so I decided to come here where I knew not many people would see it or judge me.  I found out some information today that I wasn't supposed too.  My best friend leaves his computer here at my house for me to use.  Instead of logging onto my account today something was messing up so I had to sign onto the admin account.  I opened up the internet and saw my friend leaves his facebook, twitter accounts signed in.  I happened to see that he was talking about me... some of the phrases that come to mind are basically saying I am a user because I have my friend take me places and that I was a awful friend.  Seems he had hacked into my facebook and read all my personal messages between myself and some other friends, and now he thinks I do not love him enough or as much as the other friends.  

For one my friend offered to take me places I needed to go, and if it ever was going to be a problem he should have told me.  And if an awful friend is one who listens to his depressive rants and pulls him away from suicide over and over again that must be me!

The thing that really bothers me is instead of talking to me about his issues he decides to go onto a public place and pulling the"poor me poor me" card out and doing it for attention so he has other people joining in on this without knowing both sides of the story and calling me names.  I specifically remember someone referring to me as a skank and my supposed to be best friend did nothing to defend me.

My friend suffers from some severe depression and I try to be there for him but I cannot deal with him doing this.  I don't know what to do.

Greetings

I decided after reading plenty of blogs out there to start my own dealing with myself, my family, my life and dreams.  My name is Milos, I am a 22 (nearly 23) year old mother of 2 living in a itty bitty city in the middle of no where in the grand state of Iowa.  I am a eclectic Wiccan (beginner who has always craved magic) who hopes my two children will be raised to love and worship nature as much as I do.  My life to put it simply is something that could have been several lifetime movies.

*my father was a drunk, he developed Hep C and cirrhosis when I was 11, my mother a heavy smoker and she developed emphysema when I was in 2nd grade.

*My father began to sexually abuse me when I was 10 years old to when I was 13.  My mother knew because I told her yet she never did anything about it.

*He was physically/mentally abusive to the entire family.

*My mom ended up in the hospital several times during the course of her emphysema because she couldn't stop smoking, the summer of 2001 she took a turn for the worse and passed away August 1st leaving myself, my sister and brother alone in the world.  Instead of suffering through anymore abuse the day after she passed I called the police to report it.  We ended up in foster-care and have since then all aged out of the system.

*because of my abuse and my mothers death I developed several mental disorder: PTSD, depression, anxiety issues, Borderline-personality disorder, EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified, leaning toward anorexia).  

*I started cutting myself the year before my mother died and have struggled with it ever since, even to this day when things become stressful I have a hard time not resorting to cutting to deal with it.  My arms, legs, torso are covered in scars.

*I've been admitted to the hospital a couple times in the psych unit.

Now that I am a mother to two of the most beautiful children imaginable I want to make sure they have a life I never got to have, one filled with sunshine and laughter.  With dreams, hugs and kisses, with hope and love.  I am here as a human being, sharing my pain in the hopes it helps others like me.  

May the Goddess find you all in bright spirits.

My son, daughter, and I enjoying the park

My reason for joy

here's me, Milos