A Wiccan mommy to 2 beautiful angels sharing her experience and dreams. look forward to art posts, book reviews, spells, personal stories, and more!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
impase
I've reached a point the last couple days, my depression I have felt has been creeping back up on me more then usual and I'll be honest and say I have relapsed with my cutting a couple times. A couple things have happened that I cannot go into much detail about on here but it's enough to change me. I'm not sure where to go from here, I feel lost and foggy, heartbroken and straining to stay steady on rough waters. I even have told myself to grow up, act like an adult, think of your children but here I am once again looking into the mirror and hating myself, loathing the pain that I see in my eyes. I know a lot of it is the ongoing battle of mental disorder, I knew that I couldn't escape it forever... I'm used to some bad times from the previous relapses but this.. THIS is just ridiculous. I listen to love songs and cry, feeling alone in a house full of people yearning for a single hug or kiss, someone to say "It's ok, everyone makes mistakes. You'll be ok:" I know I need to take a mental day and just recuperate before I get to the spot where I tell myself it's just ok to be back in my dark spot, to turn Vile and dark. I cannot do that to my children, I know they don't deserve it. But at the same time I look around and wonder if anyone even cares? I just wanna scream does anyone see me? Do you know who I really am? Do I even know who I really am, or have I just been putting up a facade for my life? These questions are ripping me apart. What would I give for a walk through the woods communicating with my dryads, or to return to the kelpie pond in the beck and remember his voice, to go to the ocean and lay in the salty water cleansing me... but I am trapped in a house with chaos surrounding me and the feeling that I have no one who truly cares anymore... I have come to this point knowing full well what is to be expected, so I have to make a choice and I know the choice I truly desire is peace. Freedom from my reoccurring demons..
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If you can, see a professional. You REALLY NEED HELP! As you know and have clearly stated, depression cannot be taken lightly.
ReplyDeleteI went through six years of depression after my mother died. You've described here almost word-for-word how I felt, daily. I didn't feel like I could go to anyone else and my children were literally the only reason I kept going at all.
And then I had a heart attack and it saved my life because I realized I did NOT want to die. And my time was limited. And, if I didn't start doing something worthwhile in this life, I was not going to be remembered by anybody - that even my own children wouldn't care.
And I started working in a charity that meant something to me, that filled my soul a little each time I worked. And, slowly, began to look outside myself, at what others were experiencing, at what others needed. I don't know if this would work for you, but it's the one thing that worked for me - helping others.
I hope you make it!
thank you :) I was seeing a therapist but my insurance stopped so I no longer could afford it, as well as my medication. There's been a lot of things in my life that are hard to stomach sometimes and it's hard, very hard. I'm hoping I'll be able to get some state assistance to get some help. It isn't fair to myself or my little ones to be so miserable.
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